I was
sitting under the open sky, looking up at the fading stars above. Soon it would
be dawn and my re-discovered friends of childhood days (the stars) would
fade away. I had missed them ever since the overcrowded, highly polluted
metropolitan city of the sub-continent where I was brought up, had started
hiding them from my view. I only got an opportunity to get a glimpse of them
while on trips to such remote places. The Thar desert, although barren had its own
intoxicating beauty. Every place in India is beautiful in its own way. It is
just sad, that most Indians of my generation are disenchanted by anything
authentically Indian. Only foreign, exotic locations are appealing to their
social network profiles. Even, if India has something better to offer. They
complain, “Oh the hotels, resorts are not up to the mark and if they are, they
would be too expensive, there is no infrastructure, I don’t like the local food
there, etc.” but, they forget these places are home to someone. Those people
revere the land as their mother.
If
we have 5 star hotels with infinity pools and cottages everywhere, brought in
Thai, Italian, Lebanese cuisine restaurants everywhere, what’s the point of
travelling to a new place in India? Everything will be the same in all these
commercialized destinations, world-over. Would they not lose their appeal by
losing their own unique identity?
“What are you
thinking about?”, I heard that familiar silvery voice speak from behind, my heart
skipped a beat. I was so deeply involved in my thoughts, I hadn't noticed that, she had tiptoed surreptitiously behind me.
Pretending not to be surprised, I responded, “Nothing, just appreciating the
beauty of mother nature.”
“Oh, she is more
beautiful than me, isn’t she?”, she teased. Women, they just have to get
themselves compared to everything living or non-living!
“Well, she is very beautiful, but nothing compared to the beauty of your
company.”, I replied.
She laughed, “Can you never stop being diplomatic?”
I merely smiled and stood up.
She nudged me with her elbow, “Why do you seem sad?” and before I could
respond, she embraced me and lifted her legs off the ground. And whenever she gave me such hugs, I could hear an invisible Mariachi band performing in the background.
'Ha pasado mucho tiempo, y otra vez vi aquellos ojos Me miraron con despejo, frÃamente y sin enojos'
Honestly, I can't understand a word that they sing, but I love their music because, it comes from the heart!!! It remains pure and that is important!
.....................................................
“What do I do, sweetheart? My face is like that. Acute sadness syndrome,
whenever I think about my life without you...”, I started feigning a fit of
laughter. “But, you are also the reason behind my happiness.”
She didn’t seem to
find it funny, “For someone who loves me, so much, even if I cannot be with
you, I do not want to see you sad and without hope in life. Alright?”
I couldn't say no
to her. She broke the embrace to look at me. I managed to force a smile on
my face...
She reciprocated with her own and whispered, “There, that's how I want to see
you all your life.”
I asked her, “Is this really you? Or am I dreaming, again?
Now, I cannot even tell dreams from reality... I have them so often.
She held my right
wrist with her left hand and brought her right arm close to mine. I didn't take
my eyes off her hands, following each movement she made.
She said in a loud voice, “Look into my eyes.”
Taken aback by the change in her tone, I took my eyes off her arms to look into her eyes. I could see empathy,
compassion and helplessness all at once in them. And she said, “Now, look at
your arm.”
I glanced back and
saw her right hand pricking my arm with a needle, blood oozing out, yet I felt
no pain.
It dawned on me, this was a dream.
I had no control over it. I looked back into her eyes. She smiled, and said
"I think that answers one of your questions, if not all."
It
did. I enquired, "Why do you come to me in my dreams, so often?”
“You know, even if
I am never part of your life, I am always there with you in your heart, in your
memories and in your dreams. Don't see it as a bane. It’s a boon. When nobody
is there with you, I am always there. It's just you and me and many hours of us
together in your dreams. Is it not what you wanted? If not exactly the same..”
“But those can
never substitute you in real life.”, I grumbled. “The fact that it has been
years, that I kept making so many efforts in the most benign way possible,
despite, so many setbacks surprises me, when I look back at all those times.”
I paused, “One of
the hardest decisions in life was to walk away or try harder. I chose the
latter, the former could’ve been done at any point of time.”
She looked away and
started speaking, “Well you did try very hard, I must say. All those surprises,
those beautiful gestures, that wonderful proposal on an audio recording, those
cards you sent, the cake, those mind-boggling letters with their analogies and last but
not the least, your blog. I thought you would go on forever. How did you manage
to stop trying?”
“The last time I
saw you, I had mugged poems in Urdu and many cheesy lines, yet when it
came to saying any of those, I couldn’t say a word. I got nervous. The only
thing that went correctly that day was, me wearing a suit, holding
your hand, on my knees while you were still in the car. I looked into your eyes
and said, those three special words confidently, without
flinching. That’s because, I said what I really felt for you, unlike those
poems or lines. I didn't even plan that part. Most people use those three words liberally without realizing
their real meaning and worth.”
I continued after a brief pause, “Honestly, do you really call it love, when
you find a new person with whom you fall in love, each time you move into a new
city? Sometimes, three or more places and persons within a year?”
“And my love is of no value? When despite the distance, cities, years and many new women whom I came across,
there was only one person I loved all along? I did all of those things, that you just mentioned and many more unknown to you, only
because, I was not one of those extravagant, expressive persons who could say
things to impress you. I am a very shy person by nature. I still tried to come out of my shell, but it simply wasn’t my forte. I did things for you, not to blackmail you, but to show you, that I care for
you and I am willing to do anything for your happiness. I enjoyed doing each of those and hence, it was also for my own joy that I did those. I was never good at one to one
conversations in this matter. I thought, actions might speak louder than words. But I guess, they weren't loud enough... You termed them emotional blackmail."
“Many people barely know love. All their life, they might remain under an
illusion. I am nobody to lecture anyone about, ‘What love is or how it
should ideally be like.’ I think, you are wise and able-minded to compare my love
and your love, to come to a judgment about which parts of both, together or individually define ideal
love...”
I could see tears
welling up in her eyes.
It caused me immense pain,
yet, I ignored them and carried on, “You once said, you fall in love and out of it with ease. That people shouldn’t get emotional in love and relationships. But aren’t love
and relationships themselves, all about emotions? You fall out of love,
because your so called love isn't compatible with your needs anymore or simply because you lost
interest or because you moved to a distance, too far for your own comfort. Is that really love?”
She
kept silent. I knew it was a dream and there wasn’t any point in arguing with
my own imagination. She covered her face and hurried back to the tent and I followed her into it, after
one last glimpse at the rising Sun in the horizon. The winds were re-shaping
and moving the sand dunes. Time changes everyone, everything changes. She had tucked herself away in one corner, quiet and
foreign to her surroundings. She was truly the Desert Rose that personified in my imagination,
whenever I heard Sting, sing the song by the same name. The only thing that kept flickering in my mind every now and then was, 'the best kind of beauty is the kind that is mostly ignored.'
Suddenly my surroundings started turning hazy and everything turned dark. I
woke up in the middle of the night on my bed. Her distant voice ringing in my
ears, “Don't see it as a bane. It’s a boon.”
I laughed, and thought to myself, “They
are both different sides of the same coin..”
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Within a few
days it would be 3 years since the events of "Dream, Secrets revealed – I (The Recap part)" <--- click
Within a couple of months it would be 2 years since the events of "Dream, Secrets revealed – II" <--- click
And finally, today is exactly one year since the events of "The Dream: Before the confluence of rivers..." <--- click (The last time I ever met her...)
I could’ve walked away long back,
but when something means everything to you, in life, it’s not easy to just give
up. I tried
harder and gave my
best so
that, I do not regret later in life, that I could have done something more when I had a chance. I
decided to leave the rest to destiny/fate/luck/probability or some even call him/her
God.
What made me stop trying?
No, I didn’t stop loving her. I just
realized that, even if I love her, I need to stop trying. Maybe, because, that was
hurting her in some way and anything that hurt her, caused a lot of pain to me,
as well.
My transformation had started long back. I had realized and learnt many things
and was even working on stopping it. This method (àThe answer to Everything)
just accelerated it towards the destination, like a fast forward button. It taught me how exactly to go about it,
against my own method of learning from hit and trial.
In
the past, I wanted a reason to hate her and get over her. I wished I could get
angry with her to go and say things to her that would hurt her, but if I hurt
her, I knew, eventually I would be the one in pain. I didn’t know what to do,
to get over her. I thought, I had already tried everything.
Everyone said, ‘let her go, she doesn’t deserve you.’
That, you need to move on. Though, nobody
told me, how exactly?
“How do I just forget someone
who means so much to me?”
If,
there is a process or a method or a set of steps, that I could follow to get
over her, trust me I would’ve accomplished it, even if it is the most painful
process. I would do it for her. Nobody had an answer…
I felt tormented, I saw no hope. From trying to become a good person, to trying
to improve myself in every aspect of my life, where I thought I’d needed some
improvement, I did everything. I didn’t want someone to say, “The love for her,
has turned you into a monster.” I
wanted people to take inspiration that, even if, things didn’t go well, I used
my love to become a better person. Somewhere inside all these feelings, good/ bad
were eating me up.
I felt all doors were closed now. I lost confidence in my own ability to do
anything. Trust me whatever you lose in this
world is of no value when you
compare it to the belief one has in himself/herself.
This Method (link) helped me achieve a lot more. It had a solution not only for
this problem, but for all my problems in life. It completely changed my
perspective about everything in life.
I always thought my story was something like, Ted from HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER. In fact, as pointed out by my friends, I was the only one who
seemed to be happy with the ending of that story.
I shared many things in common with Ted:
interested in facts, grammar, history, geography, GK and all those things which
others found boring. A weird sense of fashion.(the red boots!) Just like him, I
always kept looking for my true love,
to settle down in life. Never having realized, that she, Robin, was always
right there with me, while I was looking everywhere else. I did realize my love
for her, but never told her because of my fear of losing whatever I had with
her. At one point of time, I heard, that she was single and I confessed about
my feelings for her. Things didn’t work out. Despite that, I gave my best to woo her, for the next almost 2 years and when my best didn't yield a response, I finally decided. “Now, it’s time to let go of my Robin. If it’s meant to be, it will be."
But
without any hopes for a future with her. I don't expect more co-incidences from
the story line, now.
What I called love, back
when it had started wasn’t exactly love. I expected something
in return from her. Now I've become more mature, I am more practical and with
all that I feel, this is real Love. I found love, not the superficial one where I expect to be in a
relation with a person to legitimize my love, to make that person mine.
True love, is about loving someone without the need of that
person to reciprocate. You just love them for what they are, even if, you
don't get anything in return.
And you feel satisfied or fulfilled about it all the time. The
path wasn't easy, but I'm finally there!
So, I was just accorded
with the “Black
Belt of LOVE”
What
is left of her is someone with the same face and body (with nothing else in
common) and many beautiful memories. She has changed and so have I. That’s the rule of the universe. Change…
Who knows the omnipresent might one day unplug his/her headphones and hear my
prayers.
Though, I'm not relying on it. In my quest to get detached from her, I find my
myself getting detached from everything else in life.………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
PS: Ye Icky, Micky,
Shicky, Licky race jeet jaata, toh tumhara dil tootth jaata, aur tumhaari jaisi
khoobsurat ladki ka dil main kaisey thodh sakta hun… hmmm?
Tabhi
toh mainey kaha tha, kabhi kabhi jeetne ke liye
kuch haarna bhi padta hai... aur haar kar jeetne waale ko baazigar kehtey hai. ;)
Translates to:
If some Icky,
Micky, Shicky, Licky (something like Tom, Dick and Harry) had won this race, then, you would’ve been
nursing a broken heart and how could I break the heart of a beautiful girl like
you… hmmm?
That's the reason that I had stated, sometimes to win, one has to lose something…
and the one who wins, despite losing is called an Illusionist. (baazigar)
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
A
message for her – That is, if she ever ends up
reading this.
I get that, you
don’t see us together in the future. I even told you, I wanted to be friends. You know, it’s the hardest thing to say to someone you love, yet, I said those words. And I really meant them!
Why didn’t you just talk to me openly for once? Like face to face… and not on text or a call. I just wanted to
meet you one more time, to end it on a good note. So that, whenever I remember you
or am reminded about you, I would at least have a smile on my face, for the
friendship that we had. In my eyes you would always be my friend first, irrespective of
what other relationship we share or do not share in the future.
The Irony is, whichever girl was part of
my life, earlier, I always used to say, ‘She is that one love and I am really
serious about her.’ Everyone including you believed me, while I never knew what 'love' actually was. I was immature. However, I
realized later, what love really is all about, when I was sure about my feelings for you, that was, for the first time in my life I really
loved someone selflessly, for what she actually was as a person, (and not for
the ideal things like- looks, habits or compatibility that I had always looked for in
other girls.) but you never believed me. I don’t know if the job and the city where
you live now, changed you. Even if it did, I am nobody to comment on it. I loved
a girl and I shall assume, that girl is lost forever. I miss my friend, in her.
Whoever she has become now, “the
new her” didn’t value our
friendship, for when I asked her, 'to meet me just once, if ever, she considered me, her
friend.' She didn't respond.
"Humne ishq ka naam kya liya, tumne barson ki dosti ka janaaza he nikaal diya?"
(I merely mentioned the name of love and you took out the funeral of our friendship of so many years?)
If your answer is, “I was silent and non-responsive only to help you get over
me.”
My response would be, “Tumhein bhul sakta toh kab ka bhul jaata…” (If , I could’ve forgotten you, I
would’ve done that a long while back.) Searching for a trace of love in you, I discovered something very profound about myself (more like how to see, that which cannot be seen). A small part of that realization was that, love is there everywhere, in every living being, it's just us who are not willing to open our eyes to witness it. I hope and I
pray that, everyone gets to experience the peace that, I have experienced. May everyone be happy, because in everyone even you and I
are included.
Keep smiling. J
Lastly, they say,
“All dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.”
I have the courage to pursue them, but I will not do so at the cost of your
discomfort, about it. Let probability take care of the future outcome of my dreams. ;)
Although, I do hope, someday my friend would be back, but I shall leave that to her. If, I merely say something more, she might misunderstand.
Let us see what new adventure awaits our hero, now. ;)
I might not be blogging often, from now on. It's about time, I focus on the much neglected parts of my life.
