The Dream: Before the confluence of rivers...

The story continues from @ Not just another Dream! (Click) that is, when we decided to meet in the subsequent week.

       We were driving through the picturesque rugged mountain roads, negotiating the seemingly never ending hairpin curves. The mighty Indus river formed a youthful landscape paving its way through the numerous deep gorges and steep valleys along the majestic Zanskar range. It was a bright, sunny summer morning yet, surprisingly there was a slight chill in the air, as is expected when one is traversing one of the highest motor-able roads in the world. Barring the occasional Himalayan Marmot scampering across the road, there was no sight of any living being as far as my eyes could manage to see. 
Probably because, whenever I was in her company my senses were benumbed.

            In those particular moments, all that existed in this world for me was her. I looked into her big expressive eyes, they had a life of their own, she gave me a glance feeling my gaze upon her. She smiled and with her eyes I could sense she was prodding me, about what had been worrying me. Her expression turned concerned, I could sense worry on her face and I could stand anything but, see her in any pain. No matter how insignificantly minuscule that pain was, it hurt me if I had to lie to her about anything, be it for her own good. I decided to let her into it.

"It has been such a long time, this wait is taking a toll on me. I cannot bear this burden anymore... My biggest perturbation is, * not having you beside me for the rest of my life... * Nothing or no one apart from my parents mean more to me, than you."

           The smile suddenly disappeared from her face. I could see the concern in her eyes which betrayed the expression on her face. The pretentious look she always tried to put up, to look unconcerned. A strand of her untied, black silken hair with a copper coloured streak drifted on to her face, she gracefully tugged it back to its place, behind her shoulder. It reminded me of another time, many years ago in the past, when life was less complicated. I used to playfully remove the rubber band/ hair clip holding her hair together all day long and even when she was irritated, she always smiled and gave me a playful punch on my shoulders, asking me not to do it again. I wish I had known back then that, 'she' was the girl... The girl whom, I would end up loving so much in the future. I wish I had put in an effort to woo her, back then. Sometimes, I feel life is unfair, I realized a bit too late and in the dilemma of choosing between friendship or love, I postponed it further and she, by then had moved far away. Despite knowing how much I love her, she mistook what I did for her as something else. I felt she had a prejudice about me, that I had been a friend for so long and always shared with her, that relationship which had subsumed any other feelings that she could develop for me. If only she could, set those prejudices aside for a moment and judge me purely for my love, my feelings for her... Yes, I think ~friend zone~ indeed exists and it's something which even the Great Harry Houdini <-link would find it difficult to escape from.

                        

            She tried to say something but, nothing managed to escape her lips. Finally determined, not to be held back by her emotions she asked me, "Why do you love me so much?" It was an authoritative rude tone. Even I didn't expect it, a smile crept on my face. This was the same question I had been asking myself, so many times for the past almost four years. There was no particular answer to it. So, I gave her what always used to be the conclusion of this debate in my own mind.

           "Initially the reason was your eyes, then I thought no, it ought to be your beautifully sculpted nose which I always tried to tap, playfully whenever we met." I paused for some air, oxygen at this altitude was hard to come by, making you feel breathless every now and then. She gave me a blank expression. Ignoring it I carried on, "But more than how beautiful you are, it is the moments I spend with you, no matter how brief, they are very beautiful. Very memorable... I feel at peace, as if I need nothing else from life. Your presence gives me a will, a strength....  that nothing is impossible in life, a feeling that I can achieve any goal, go through any pain and it is also why I go out of my way to help anyone in need, anonymously. I see you in everyone, I see you everywhere...."

            I took another deep breath taking in as much of the precious oxygen as I could, "It is also because I like you for what you are as a person, after knowing you for quite long. Else wouldn't it have been love at first sight? I cannot really put it in words. It is like I always say, you ought to get into my mind to see yourself the way I see you, from my perspective. That is when you will really understand.. Why I am doing all this, despite your denial."

For a moment I could see tears welling up in her eyes. She turned away and it seemed like she was trying to muster the will to speak, she quickly turned back, to face me. Fumbled for words. She stammered a bit ( she always did that when she had a conflict in her mind and although I always teased her about it, somewhere in their, I loved it when she did that, even that added to her charm.) "It is not going to happen, you should forget me. I never felt the same for you or even if ever we are together, I might never feel so....." But her eyes betrayed her again. It did hurt me a lot when she said that.

            We finally had reached our destination. I stopped the car along the guard rail which are installed on these roads to prevent vehicles from veering off the road into the steep valley floor below. This was a small clearing off the road meant for tourists to pull over and click pictures. The air was still chilly, despite the bright, noon Sun. Apart from a group of adolescent Buddhist monks,clad in maroon robes, playing football in a nearby clearing, I could see no one around. The landscape was mesmerizing, just like it had been when I visited it for the first time almost a decade ago, on a vacation after my school exams with my folks.

She was totally spellbound, the sight of the brown muddy Zanskar river meeting the crystalline-blue Indus marked by their distinct colours, was indeed captivating.

I turned towards her, "We are like these rivers, very distinct from where we originated and what all we went through before we were here, at this point. We might come together or continue on our own, unique course... The outcome of either cannot be predetermined, only time can tell. I love you, not because I expect anything in return. Even if you choose to not be with me, what I have for you shall always be there. But I cannot stop trying, that is the only thing that keeps me going. I derive my motivation and energy from you."

She had a melange of expressions, of understanding and helplessness together. Her smile so perfectly hid the tears within, just as her laughter shadowed the pain. Yet, I could read her eyes. I continued, "I did all this for you becau...." She cut me midway. "Are you trying to blackmail me? Doing everything that you have done so far...", she asked.

            It was like rubbing salt on my wounds. She didn't even listen to the reason behind those actions. "That coming from you, really hurt. If I had to resort to blackmailing, wouldn't I just have done something more drastic, why would I go through the pain of not even telling you for so many years, going through the dilemma of saving my friendship or my love? It is only when it became unbearable that, I confessed. Why would I wait for a time when you were not with someone else, if I had been so selfish? Why did I just not tell you earlier what all I did for you? I still haven't told u everything..."

I was breathless. I gasped for some air and continued, "I kept all this to myself and just a few very close people, even some of my best friends don't know the name of 'the girl', I keep telling them about. If I really had to blackmail you would I not have asked our common friends to talk you into this? Would I have not poisoned your mind when you as a friend asked me, for my opinion on the guy you just started dating. Even with that pain I had been honest in my opinion that, I cannot judge him as I don't know him well enough to comment, about him.", I paused "Saying all that when I, myself loved you and wanted to be with you. Can you never try to underst...."

I stopped mid sentence. The conversation had turned so serious, despite my best efforts not to lead it into this course.

I finally blurted out "I don't love you because I need you, I need you because I love you. Hope you understand the thin line differentiating those two and what they mean?"

I paused, I had so much to say but this conversation couldn't go on forever. This misunderstanding had to be cleared.

I continued "Whatever I did was NOT with the intention of saying that, 'I did all this for you' so, I think, for that very fact you should be with me."

I paused again gasping for air, ”For me, it is more like I loved you and I couldn't express it properly, hence I did things, to show you that I love you. I do everything I do, because I feel like doing it for you and not for anyone else. If you have to judge me, judge me on the merit of my love, the feelings behind the actions and not the actions themselves. Not all are born with the gift of expressing themselves well.”
Taking another deep breath I concluded, "I am trying to learn to express myself. Given some time I will be better. This effort is only for you."

A small smile crept on her face. But her eyes showed her unconvinced stand. I looked into them, those intoxicating eyes. I wish they could take a peek into my mind. That all this was equally difficult for me.

And as if she just heard my mind and learnt about her betrayers.(her eyes)

She stepped ahead of me looking at the rivers converge, her back towards me, "You know I might be trying out some things in life, leaving the Best for the last. Now, I think I know where I might find it."

Her voice was unwavering and teasing at the same time. I couldn't conclude, if she was giving me hope or was it otherwise?

A voice spoke spontaneously in my mind, ** You might leave the best for the last, but that best might not last till 'your last' arrives, it's strength eroding with each rising Sun. It might not be able to hold fort for long. **

I kept this thought to myself... Lest she again mistook it for something else.

This quandary was tearing me apart, on one hand I couldn't possibly imagine life without her and on the other, it would be painful to have her by my side yet, seeing her unhappy.

"If...", I fumbled, but managed to say it, "If I don't tell you, you won't know what all I have done for you, what I am doing for you. You might term it blackmailing, while my only intention is, I want to convey how much you mean to me yet, if I don't convey that, how would you ever get to know?"

In my mind, I said to myself, **Iss dard mein jeene ka maaza hi kuch aur hai..** or as Manuel de Melo had put it, **Love, a pleasure you suffer, an ailment you enjoy.**

I closed my eyes. Fearing if I open them, this moment will be lost, this dream will come to an end. Now, only time can decide whether it will remain a dream or materialize. I can only pray... To my Omnipresent.

That was the last time I saw her, not knowing whether I'll ever see her again or not...

This was partly a dream and partly a conversation which took place in reality. I added what I wanted to say that day, I couldn't say it all, perhaps it was the chaos in my mind at that point, the way the conversations had ended up. I had gone numb.

One of those dreams which manifested from perhaps 'memories' after a real life event.

I wish you can now better understand and see this in a different light, girl. I love you..... Just give my love that "one chance" that's all I ask for.

I can't force someone to be in love with me. It would never last that way. I can only try to make her see what she means to me. I'm trying to woo her and win her heart with everything I can possibly do. Trust me, I am trying every day. Even I don't know from where I get the strength to carry on...
Love probably, explains most of it.

This story isn't over. There is more to it... although that part is yet to happen.
It has been many painful months since I last met her (that is the events of this post.)

I am still trying to convince her. Hoping for a miracle. I could do with some prayers, by you guys!
Thanks. :)

New update: The story continues @  Dream: The Love that is and the Love that never was...(Click)

Fear: What it is for me...

Everyone has a 'dream', something they always wanted to achieve, something which inspires such passion, that nothing else matters when it comes to that. They would do absolutely anything and everything in their power to achieve it.
Without it they lose the meaning of their lives.

I had two such dreams. I realized one too late, and went in pursuit of it. And then I couldn't leave it, it dragged me along, I kept holding on to it. It meant my life to me. It became painful, exhausting but it also gave me a pleasure I had never experienced. Soon, it had become everything for me. How could I have, just left it after experiencing all that?

Even if I did let go of it, I wouldn't be able to forget it all my life because, I thought I hadn't given it my best effort.

I inspired myself to keep dreaming and to work hard to achieve it. Luck as others percieve it, cannot be relied upon.

Then what is 'luck' for me?

It is hard-work meeting opportunity.

I believed that, I could achieve anything provided I put in an effort. Giving, my best effort to whatever I planned to do.

No, the dreams were neither about money nor did they have anything to do with power. Those are things that matter to most people. Not me, those don't fuel my ambition. I care about humanity and love. Both, invaluable and un-quantifiable...

While being dragged along, I realized, I had another dream. It was equally important for me. I went on to catch hold of it, as well. The two dreams pulling me along different directions.
Till sometime I thought, I could manage holding on to both. I could foresee achieving one would facilitate me in achieving the other. Everything seemed to be working, as if, a greater being had planned my destiny, that I will one day achieve both my dreams. I was ready to struggle for it, take in any pain that life flung at me.

But, 'time' that bitch can completely turn the tide, to an unfavourable situation. Such power she ommands. 

Soon this pain started growing again. Tearing me apart. Both my dreams, slipping out of my clasp..
I felt the biggest tremor yet yesterday. My biggest failure in life, because it was also the first time I had put in so much effort into something.

I take it as a warning, for all is not lost yet.

Just when it seemed that life was starting to look up at me, after what I had thought was the lowest phase in my life till now. It showed me things could get worse. This won't deter me, each mistake I make, each step that I falter is a lesson to learn from. Preparing me for something worthwhile in the future, making me stronger. Nobody can set a limit to my life, I have the power to take control of it and set MY OWN LIMITS!

I need to take some difficult decisions. For holding on to either is difficult now. My biggest fear is achieving neither, while rigorously trying to pursue both. It is this fear that suffocates me. But, how could you choose between two dreams that matter to you the most?

I am not one of those who gives up easily, at least not without a fight! I'll put in my best and NOT just wait for a miracle to happen.

In life we shouldn't have regrets. It's not about winning or losing, it's about giving your best while you can.

I have put in more than a 100% for one of my dreams. So, I can not do anything more about it.

As for the other.... I think, I haven't yet given it my best. I'll not think about the fruits of my effort, for either. What is in my hands is to put a well directed effort.  I'll leave the rest to probability or some call him/her the Omnipresent.

I pray, may one of my dreams embraces me of its own accord and I give you my word, I'll fight destiny to achieve the other!

Amen...

PoLOVEtical science: Democracy

"Western liberal democracy is the final form of human government."

-Francis Fukuyama

But I would disagree, a democracy is a constantly evolving phenomena, it evolves according to situations and needs. While there are various nations practicing many diverse forms of democracy, they all have something in common. The basic concept of, "A government of the people, by the people, and for the people", as famously stated by, Abe Lincoln.

Going by the many debates over the years, one question keeps cropping up.

Should a democracy only take the opinion of the majority? by imposing their choices on the minority in the name of greater good of the whole nation?

I'll put it this way. Any minority forms an important part of a nation. They are just like any other group of people with a different perspective. If we didn't have difference of opinion on a matter, we wouldn't know what was the other alternative? Just like, there is a food web and the more diverse it is the better it is for the ecosystem, there are people with diverse views in the world. The more diverse it is, the better the world gets. As the contribution of each unique perspective helps in providing a platform for the growth and evolution of new ideas transforming the human civilization into something better.
Be it people with a straight orientation, lesbians, gays, transgender, bisexuals, asexual people or be it leftist, rightist, centrists  or be it Christians, Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists or simply both men and women, they all together make this world a  constantly evolving entity. Anything that is stagnant is  symbolic of death.

So who am I in this vast universe to say what is good and what is bad? Everything that exists is good in its own way. Can one appreciate happiness, without knowing what pain is?

Hence how can we justify the imposition of, the ideology, of any majority on the whole population at the cost of the right to freedom of opinion of the minorities of any form? As there is a 'right to life', there should also be a 'right to freedom of opinion.'

Only then can we call any country, a True Democracy...

Likewise my love for her, is a constantly evolving entity. With time, situations and fresh perspectives it keeps modifying itself to evolve into something better. I am ready to listen to her perspectives and not override it by imposing my own opinion on her. Yet, I am helpless as she speaks not, about, what she feels and why she feels so, openly.... without any inhibition. Unless she does that, how does she expect me to understand the rationale behind her stand?

I can only pray that, she sees, what she means to me. And I shall hope, she doesn't misunderstand this love for something else...

Not just another Dream!

The story continues from @ Dream, Secrets revealed – II (Click)

Q. What is a dream?

When something is unbelievably beautiful or joyful, you wonder whether it is a dream. Often, what you perceive as reality is not joyful and so when misery is there, you never wonder if it is a dream. You are sure it is real. This is knowing the real as unreal and unreal as real. In fact, all the miseries are unreal. A wise man knows that happiness is real, as it is one's very nature. Unhappiness is unreal as it is inflicted by memory. When you see everything as a dream, then you abide in your true nature.

Q: What about a nightmare?

A nightmare is a dream mistaken as reality. There is no confusion in a dream at all. Keep wondering whether all this is a dream and you'll wake up to the real.

- His Holiness Sri Sri

                

The phone was buzzing incessantly. The vibrations made it sound irritating. I groped around my bed in the darkness, searching for it, unwilling to open my sore eyes. Finally having managed to locate it, I tried to focus my bleary eyes at the name flashing on the screen. But the light emanating from the screen proved to be too bright. Giving up on it, I decided just to answer the call and find out what surprise Santa had in store for me 7 days after Christmas.

I managed a feeble, "Hello".

The person at the other end hesitated for a second or two. Then I heard, " Hello, White Tiger? "

(Not using my real name owing to privacy concerns :P)

Oh it was that voice, I could recognise it anywhere, any time, no matter what state of mind I was in. There was no way I could 'not' recognise it. It had been months (which seemed like decades!) since, my ears had witnessed that beautiful voice. I can't even start describing what it meant to me. Flashes of memories that, I had shared with her came back to me. Her tall and voluptuous frame, long black hair with copper streaks, her big expressive eyes and that stubbornly beautiful nose. I was mesmerised.

I gathered my thoughts, came back to reality, "Hi, yeah. That's me. Is it Hitler?" (Name changed, Privacy reasons + she treats me like a Jew)  :-/

**I know parody hai, Gandhi ko Hitler se pyaar.** (Gandhi in love with Hitler, obviously I'm Gandhi!)

She cut me short before I could say more, "Where have you been? How are you? I have been looking for my missing friend, it's been a while now."

I didn't want to answer all that, what would she think of me if, I told her about the truth. (Though eventually a week later when she met me, she did bring it up again, and being me, I couldn't lie about things in front of her. In an emotional outburst, I blurted out the truth and my fears came true, she termed it as blackmailing, well that's another story for my next post.)

Flashback: 5 months ago

Following her "No", I tried to engage myself in some activity or the other. Keeping my mind occupied, forcing myself not to think about her.
She proved to be an overwhelming factor. So, I was compelled to go into a self imposed exile, away from all near and dear ones. Partly to get away from her and partly to seek the answers to my own goals in life, among other factors. In fact, it was a few months after that,(4 months later to be precise.) I had, by a twist of fate left my phone switched on for one whole night and forgotten to switch it off. Normally, I used to switch it off for the entire day and switch it on only for 5 minutes in the night to see, if there were some messages or missed call alerts. But that night I forgot to switch it off owing to a fever + medication induced slumber.

She had called on my number that night. I didn't realise when the phone had rung. I only happened to find a missed call on the display, later on. I had prayed and hoped all those months, in blind faith before that missed call. That, I wanted to hear from her, some sign, just any sign!

A sign, to cut short my self-imposed exile and come back for her. A sign for a green signal from the unknown, to have another go at it. I didn't want to just give up on someone I loved so much, with just one try and the subsequent "No", from her. I respected her opinion, that is exactly why I had just cut off from her without telling her.

Now, my prayers were answered, but I was hoping, it was just an accidental call because I didn't want this call to grow into another hope which could get doused again. The first time had proved almost lethal. Eventually, my fears turned out to be valid. Thankfully, I had learnt by then, to endure such pain, by channelizing it out of mind through various methods. One of them being, this very blog.
Anyway, I didn't call her back then. Besides how would I answer her flurry of questions? She was bound to ask me many questions, till she was satisfied by my answers.
Back then, I felt, I needed more time to think.

Fast forward: to the Present

I tried to divert the conversation.

"I am at home, right now. Doing fine. How are you? Where are you right now?"

It worked she took the bait, " Glad to hear that. I am good, too.  Back in the city, came to visit my folks for New Year's, away from my hectic office life for a few days. "

And suddenly I had this feeling, was this another one of my numerous dreams about her? I had, had scores of such dreams which seemed pretty much real, till obviously I woke up to reality, which without her presence was more of a nightmare....

I don't know what got into me, I didn't think twice before saying, "is this a dream? Is this real? Can you pinch me? just to be sure.."
(I think I said, that line quite a few times. Now that I think about it, *Pinch me* sounds kinky! - yes, much to my embarrassment and her amusement, if that didn't creep her!)

She had a light laugh at it, "Hahaha... yes, this is real. I forgot you sleep early, I Just came back from a family dinner at the club. Happy New Year!" She paused, "Well we should catch up, I'm here for 10 more days so, I will let you know when we can meet."

We discussed some mundane topics for a while, though, I can't recall what we spoke about as, I was just listening to her intoxicating voice all that time. It gave my mind a sense of peace after months of turmoil. I couldn't sleep for the next 4 to 5 hours, lost in her thoughts. Still trying to convince myself that this wasn't a dream!
And when I did finally catch up on some sleep, it was a very peaceful one, a sleep I had wished for since almost a year.
I was unable to sleep peacefully, ever since, I first told her about my feelings. Due to my bad timing, she couldn't reply immediately back then and subsequently after a few weeks, over a phone call she had given me the most shattering verdict of my life, till then, her decision.....
"I don't think it can happen."

We met up the next week. I gave it another shot.

PS: In those months of exile, started the new phase of my life, a Renaissance in its own essence, but not very detached from the past or from her...
Yet, very different in terms of perspectives and attitudes, the phase which continues till this date. It's has been a continuous process.

I had realized my goals. I tried to use her as my motivation to work towards achieving them and also to find out my shortcomings and changed my mindset.  I changed every negative aspect I could weed out from within, to become a better person, a better human being.

This strength is conditional:

I could conquer the world with just one hand, as long as she holds the other.

She is my greatest strength as well as, my biggest weakness. I am trying to change it, let's see how that effort turns out..

The story continues @ The Dream: Before the confluence of rivers...(Click)