Not just another Dream!

The story continues from @ Dream, Secrets revealed – II (Click)

Q. What is a dream?

When something is unbelievably beautiful or joyful, you wonder whether it is a dream. Often, what you perceive as reality is not joyful and so when misery is there, you never wonder if it is a dream. You are sure it is real. This is knowing the real as unreal and unreal as real. In fact, all the miseries are unreal. A wise man knows that happiness is real, as it is one's very nature. Unhappiness is unreal as it is inflicted by memory. When you see everything as a dream, then you abide in your true nature.

Q: What about a nightmare?

A nightmare is a dream mistaken as reality. There is no confusion in a dream at all. Keep wondering whether all this is a dream and you'll wake up to the real.

- His Holiness Sri Sri

                

The phone was buzzing incessantly. The vibrations made it sound irritating. I groped around my bed in the darkness, searching for it, unwilling to open my sore eyes. Finally having managed to locate it, I tried to focus my bleary eyes at the name flashing on the screen. But the light emanating from the screen proved to be too bright. Giving up on it, I decided just to answer the call and find out what surprise Santa had in store for me 7 days after Christmas.

I managed a feeble, "Hello".

The person at the other end hesitated for a second or two. Then I heard, " Hello, White Tiger? "

(Not using my real name owing to privacy concerns :P)

Oh it was that voice, I could recognise it anywhere, any time, no matter what state of mind I was in. There was no way I could 'not' recognise it. It had been months (which seemed like decades!) since, my ears had witnessed that beautiful voice. I can't even start describing what it meant to me. Flashes of memories that, I had shared with her came back to me. Her tall and voluptuous frame, long black hair with copper streaks, her big expressive eyes and that stubbornly beautiful nose. I was mesmerised.

I gathered my thoughts, came back to reality, "Hi, yeah. That's me. Is it Hitler?" (Name changed, Privacy reasons + she treats me like a Jew)  :-/

**I know parody hai, Gandhi ko Hitler se pyaar.** (Gandhi in love with Hitler, obviously I'm Gandhi!)

She cut me short before I could say more, "Where have you been? How are you? I have been looking for my missing friend, it's been a while now."

I didn't want to answer all that, what would she think of me if, I told her about the truth. (Though eventually a week later when she met me, she did bring it up again, and being me, I couldn't lie about things in front of her. In an emotional outburst, I blurted out the truth and my fears came true, she termed it as blackmailing, well that's another story for my next post.)

Flashback: 5 months ago

Following her "No", I tried to engage myself in some activity or the other. Keeping my mind occupied, forcing myself not to think about her.
She proved to be an overwhelming factor. So, I was compelled to go into a self imposed exile, away from all near and dear ones. Partly to get away from her and partly to seek the answers to my own goals in life, among other factors. In fact, it was a few months after that,(4 months later to be precise.) I had, by a twist of fate left my phone switched on for one whole night and forgotten to switch it off. Normally, I used to switch it off for the entire day and switch it on only for 5 minutes in the night to see, if there were some messages or missed call alerts. But that night I forgot to switch it off owing to a fever + medication induced slumber.

She had called on my number that night. I didn't realise when the phone had rung. I only happened to find a missed call on the display, later on. I had prayed and hoped all those months, in blind faith before that missed call. That, I wanted to hear from her, some sign, just any sign!

A sign, to cut short my self-imposed exile and come back for her. A sign for a green signal from the unknown, to have another go at it. I didn't want to just give up on someone I loved so much, with just one try and the subsequent "No", from her. I respected her opinion, that is exactly why I had just cut off from her without telling her.

Now, my prayers were answered, but I was hoping, it was just an accidental call because I didn't want this call to grow into another hope which could get doused again. The first time had proved almost lethal. Eventually, my fears turned out to be valid. Thankfully, I had learnt by then, to endure such pain, by channelizing it out of mind through various methods. One of them being, this very blog.
Anyway, I didn't call her back then. Besides how would I answer her flurry of questions? She was bound to ask me many questions, till she was satisfied by my answers.
Back then, I felt, I needed more time to think.

Fast forward: to the Present

I tried to divert the conversation.

"I am at home, right now. Doing fine. How are you? Where are you right now?"

It worked she took the bait, " Glad to hear that. I am good, too.  Back in the city, came to visit my folks for New Year's, away from my hectic office life for a few days. "

And suddenly I had this feeling, was this another one of my numerous dreams about her? I had, had scores of such dreams which seemed pretty much real, till obviously I woke up to reality, which without her presence was more of a nightmare....

I don't know what got into me, I didn't think twice before saying, "is this a dream? Is this real? Can you pinch me? just to be sure.."
(I think I said, that line quite a few times. Now that I think about it, *Pinch me* sounds kinky! - yes, much to my embarrassment and her amusement, if that didn't creep her!)

She had a light laugh at it, "Hahaha... yes, this is real. I forgot you sleep early, I Just came back from a family dinner at the club. Happy New Year!" She paused, "Well we should catch up, I'm here for 10 more days so, I will let you know when we can meet."

We discussed some mundane topics for a while, though, I can't recall what we spoke about as, I was just listening to her intoxicating voice all that time. It gave my mind a sense of peace after months of turmoil. I couldn't sleep for the next 4 to 5 hours, lost in her thoughts. Still trying to convince myself that this wasn't a dream!
And when I did finally catch up on some sleep, it was a very peaceful one, a sleep I had wished for since almost a year.
I was unable to sleep peacefully, ever since, I first told her about my feelings. Due to my bad timing, she couldn't reply immediately back then and subsequently after a few weeks, over a phone call she had given me the most shattering verdict of my life, till then, her decision.....
"I don't think it can happen."

We met up the next week. I gave it another shot.

PS: In those months of exile, started the new phase of my life, a Renaissance in its own essence, but not very detached from the past or from her...
Yet, very different in terms of perspectives and attitudes, the phase which continues till this date. It's has been a continuous process.

I had realized my goals. I tried to use her as my motivation to work towards achieving them and also to find out my shortcomings and changed my mindset.  I changed every negative aspect I could weed out from within, to become a better person, a better human being.

This strength is conditional:

I could conquer the world with just one hand, as long as she holds the other.

She is my greatest strength as well as, my biggest weakness. I am trying to change it, let's see how that effort turns out..

The story continues @ The Dream: Before the confluence of rivers...(Click)